When I am on a great trip, and well even on a shitty one I get hit with feeling of excitement. A sense of rightness. Yet when I am faced with going to work I will come up with just about any excuse to avoid it. I know I just sound like a lazy ass, and well to some degree I am. But I feel like there is more to it. It's like I work crazy hours in a month or hardly any at all. It almost seems to me (in my over active imaginative head) like I am living two completely separate lives. My two lives don't mix or mingle. In each place I have friends, habits, social culture, and eating habits. Yet they are almost the complete opposite of one another. I love my life (or lives) yes maybe I have finally gone off the deep end. lol
I do however feel more and more that the life I live when I am on the east coast is me playing out the life I always wanted for myself. Semi yuppi, care free, an amazing, and interesting group of friends with completely diffrent stories, coffee shops, bars, guys (well sort of lol) This in a way was how it always played out in my head as a teen. Givin I was thin and engaged to a wildly successful man in said fantisies but still. I almost feel like I am playing a role acting a part. Its equally exciting, and exhausting. I feel drained emotionally and physically. It's like I made it but I don't really exist there.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, when back home I almost revert back to the girl I was at 17. I am quite, keep to myself. Dating and romance are more things you find in books then in reality. Here everything easy, and comfortable. I don't have the need to spend 2 hours a day on hair and makeup. My friends are equally wonderful. When you have known someone for years there is no point in pretext. I feel like I am almost more of my self here, were I go to recharge my battery. Yet underneath the easy is a feeling of dissatisfaction. I like challenge. I feel as though everything here I have already seen it. I have already experienced it. I feel jaded with the occasional sinosisim attached. Its like the best ways I have grown as a person have gone dormant. I could exist in my room, forever with no passing of time.
I hope this doesn't read depressing. I'm not in a depressed mood. I feel calm. I guess this is what all the hype about blogging is about. The feeling peace that comes after expressing emotions. That and every collage student from the mid to late 2000's believed that there thoughts are gold and will get a book deal, thanks to bad movies like Julia and Julia. Its nice not having out dated (blogs are just about as in as Myspace these days) dissolution about this being read or "big" because I would defiantly be in for disappointment. I'm happy about it because even though yes its not private and yes it is on the web I feel like I can write more then I would have been able to. (no I'm not dumb. I like my job and will never say were I work or my real name)
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