My two worlds

I am trying to find the inspiration to work. I know that I need hours yet the physical act of driving a hour to the airport flying 5 hours just to get there, with the probability of sleeping in the airport can be off putting. I wonder why? lol

When I am on a great trip, and well even on a shitty one I get hit with feeling of excitement. A sense of rightness. Yet when I am faced with going to work I will come up with just about any excuse to avoid it. I know I just sound like a lazy ass, and well to some degree I am. But I feel like there is more to it. It's like I work crazy hours in a month or hardly any at all. It almost seems to me (in my over active imaginative head) like I am living two completely separate lives. My two lives don't mix or mingle. In each place I have friends, habits, social culture, and eating habits. Yet they are almost the complete opposite of one another. I love my life (or lives) yes maybe I have finally gone off the deep end. lol

I do however feel more and more that the life I live when I am on the east coast is me playing out the life I always wanted for myself. Semi yuppi, care free, an amazing, and interesting group of friends with completely diffrent stories, coffee shops, bars, guys (well sort of lol) This in a way was how it always played out in my head as a teen. Givin I was thin and engaged to a wildly successful man in said fantisies but still. I almost feel like I am playing a role acting a part. Its equally exciting, and exhausting. I feel drained emotionally and physically. It's like I made it but I don't really exist there.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, when back home I almost revert back to the girl I was at 17. I am quite, keep to myself. Dating and romance are more things you find in books then in reality. Here everything easy, and comfortable. I don't have the need to spend 2 hours a day on hair and makeup. My friends are equally wonderful. When you have known someone for years there is no point in pretext. I feel like I am almost more of my self here, were I go to recharge my battery. Yet underneath the easy is a feeling of dissatisfaction. I like challenge. I feel as though everything here I have already seen it. I have already experienced it. I feel jaded with the occasional sinosisim attached. Its like the best ways I have grown as a person have gone dormant. I could exist in my room, forever with no passing of time.

I hope this doesn't read depressing. I'm not in a depressed mood. I feel calm. I guess this is what all the hype about blogging is about. The feeling peace that comes after expressing emotions. That and every collage student from the mid to late 2000's believed that there thoughts are gold and will get a book deal, thanks to bad movies like Julia and Julia. Its nice not having out dated (blogs are just about as in as Myspace these days) dissolution about this being read or "big" because I would defiantly be in for disappointment. I'm happy about it because even though yes its not private and yes it is on the web I feel like I can write more then I would have been able to. (no I'm not dumb. I like my job and will never say were I work or my real name)

You have to be a little bit crazy to have my job

I sometimes wonder if you have to be, in some way seriously damaged to thrive living the way I do. To many people it looks like the adventure of a life time, In some aspects it is. But there is another side to the life style I live that most people can't comprehend. I am a Flight Attendant. Back in the "good old days" this was a career path that was to be envied. (or so I am told) Now days its a series of hurry up and wait. I work on average between 14 to 18 days a month. But I spend on average 30 to 35 hours a month on a plane just commuting to and from work. SO think of it this way after working 3, 12 hour days flying 5 hours to the airport nearest you. Maybe I am crazy to try to live in the West while working on the East Coast. If I am well I am defiantly not alone. 85% of flight attendants live in towns and cities that require airfare to get to work. If you can imagine the kind of tull this takes on any kind of personal life. I sometimes wonder if the reason Pilots and yes some flight attendants cheat and live promiscuous life styles are deeply routed in being lonely. I don't know that in particular is not a path I have chosen for myself.

My personal kind of crazy comes in the guise of desire for freedom. My job allows me to fly basically anywere in the world for free of majorly discounted. In the past I have hoped on a plane to the other side of the country for a party, I've flown to Florida, and Atlanta for dates. It has also been a avenue for running, and escape. I have lately come to the realization of late that this whole job from the beginning has been an escape. I was unhappy with myself, and my life so I looked at any avenue possible to get out. At one point I want even going to Nanny. (thank god that didn't pan out... poor kids lol) This job seemed like a miracle. I got to be someone else. I had a job that defined me (to succeed in this field it has too) I got to wear expensive uniforms, I felt like I was more interesting then basically anyone I knew. (except my best friend) While all the girls from high school lived in the same area codes got married kick out babies, gained weight. I felt like no one could touch me. Ahh but that might be the deepest lying problem. If I stay at arms length, fly away when things get hard, run from any guy that really treated me well I could never get hurt. Sure I date not a ton and not too frequently. I tend to attract guys with seedy flight attendant fantasies, and needy emotionally clingy men. Since I do want a relationship in theory I avoid the man hoes, and because any guy who is open to getting emotionally attached scares the hell out of me I tend to date guys on infrequent basis who are more phobic then myself who really don't treat me that great. I guess there is no risk that way. lol

I have come a long way in the last four years. I know myself better now then ever before. I still don't know who I am going to be when I grow up... lol what I'm only 25, But I feel like the trick to not going under and being consumed work. In theory live my personal life to the fullest and not hide behind the persona that my job has conveniently erect for me.

I sleep in a lonely bed of my own making. To scarred to loose my freedom, and adventures, yet tired of only ever seeing strangers demanding things of me. So this blog witch I doubt will ever be read by anyone other then myself will be about my ups, downs, adventures, very lacking dating life but most importantly trying to find and maintain a balance between my working life, and personal life.